Not the time to look back

I have not travelled far enough to look back and reminisce.

 

 

The Real

“What is REAL?” asked the Velveteen Rabbit one day… “Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?”

“Real isn’t how you are made,” said the Skin Horse. “It’s a thing that happens to you. When [someone] loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real.”

“Does it hurt?” asked the Rabbit.

“Sometimes,” said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. “When you are Real you don’t mind being hurt.”

“Does it happen all at once, like being wound up,” he asked, “or bit by bit?”

“It doesn’t happen all at once,” said the Skin Horse. “You become. It takes a long time. That’s why it doesn’t often happen to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept.

“Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand… once you are Real you can’t become unreal again. It lasts for always.”

Margery Williams ( The Velveteen Rabbit )

Helpless

It is becoming increasingly difficult to write. How can you sit down to write, when you know that people around you are raping 5 year olds , 4 year olds and… even the 3 year olds ? Gives shivers, as I come to think of it. Happiness is a myth really, like love. One can be happy, if he can afford to be indifferent. But if you have even an ounce of conscience, forget it.

I do not know if me boiling here, or my participation in the widespread public protests in the last few days, will change anything. I do not even know how people can carry on with their regular lives in spite of all this, and maybe even I will become like them some day. But I don’t want to. I want to remain the reckless, unprofessional, arrogant self that I am right now.

What is the point of working out in the gym and getting a dream body, if I am not ready to use it for defending the rights of those who are weak and helpless? What good is guitar learning if it does not nurture a heart compassionate enough to march with those who stand up for the right cause ? The world does not need my book to wake up and stop abusing little children either.

4 months on, a policeman rained his cane on my back, yet again. And, the funny thing is…

It feels right.

And, here we go

As it turns out, I am officially on sabbatical ;)

I mean, really. It has been quite some time since I took a vacation without a gun on my head, and did something really out of the box. You know… the kind of things that make no sense- even to me Then there is also something about the creepy things people say concerning the right time. So I challenged myself a couple of days back into putting everything that I have been into on stand by, and let the chips fall as they may.

So, here we are.

With a month and half in our hands, there is just so much to be done. I started writing this novel back in first year of college, and it got stuck after I bagged a couple of F grades that semester. Now that we do not have that sort of thing ( read as the semester exams ) hovering on our heads, I would like to take it forward.

When I was young ( yes, I was so till recently some time back ), I wanted to do a lot of things before turning 30. And, I have done reasonably well as far as that is concerned. But there is something that I thought I should peek into, but never could. That needs to change. Behold Euripides !

I do not know a thing about guitar, or music for that matter. All the more reason to delve into this, right ? I do not have any money left after buying it today evening. So, internet will be the tutor I can afford. It would be an interesting experiment actually, for I know that there is always a deeper meaning attached to seemingly ordinary endeavours. Maybe music will open doors that were never there, maybe it won’t.

It has been over a month since I joined the local gym, and there is a perceptible difference in the way I feel my body. The other day, my cook told me that I am losing weight like crazy and that, I need to eat well I believe I would like to bring the heat on in the workouts that I do there, and see where it goes. I wouldn’t mind if the clothes long abandoned due to belly fat could fit well again. Would be a significant addition to my wardrobe

Why am I doing this all when I should worry about getting a job ? Couple of reasons actually. First- because I can, but that is not a reason right ? Second- because I want to

test my limits- emotional, physical and intellectual- if any.

Troubleshooting

Funny how we blow our problems out of proportion all the time. I mean what about those living in Sub-Saharan Africa without one meal a day, or the child in slums of Mumbai who is forced to beg at the traffic signals.

We all have problems, don’t we ? A second grade kid thinks life would be so much better without the school exams, a college student misses his school days and when you are out of college, you almost miss …well…everything you did back then. Point is…

Whenever the present troubles us, we always seem to go back in time to look for things that are comforting.

They call it selective remembering, or something, in Psychology- meaning thereby that we unconsciously choose to keep the good memories, trashing the bad ones. It is not different in relationshits relationships either. But when we look back, we must also consider the things that did not go well- because the present is dictated by both, and any logical postmortem can only be arrived at when we take into account the whole picture.

So, I did look back in time- extensively. And I did recall the good moments, but I also thought of things that were not that comforting. Coldly and rationally. Reason, as it turns out,  pulled me out of the depression that I was sliding into. Weird, right ?

I have always confronted problems head on. And every time something disastrous happens, I make major changes in the way I behave- giving something up, or taking on something entirely new. Does not have to be related to the problem at hand but, it is more like killing the version of self which made that mistake. As you might have guessed, a lot of things have been playing on my mind ever since . The other advantage of getting into this obsessive exercise is that, it takes your mind off from something that has already happened and can not be helped- to something that can be done. So empirically, it cuts down the brooding and pushes one into doing something constructive. Makes sense ?

So this is what I have zeroed upon:

• quit all the social networking sites. I do not need them.
• body building. I would like to be strong physically.
• new dance forms. Because that is one thing I have always been scared of.
• and, the most difficult of all- be brutally honest with people. Speaking truth, without any regard for consequences.

I know I know. Its crazy. But I really do not want to repeat what I went through for more than 2 years. This has been a hard earned sense of positivity, and for the sake of everything that is good and holy- I must continue my journey. To quote one of my favourite dialogues from the movie Seabiscuit,

You know, you don’t throw a whole life away just ’cause its banged up a little.

Do we ?

I believe, I have seen worse

Best Moment Award

Awarding the people who live in the moment,
The noble who write and capture the best in life,
The bold who reminded us what really mattered -
Savoring the experience of quality time.

Acceptance Speech:

Well, thank you Pragati for the lovely award, and here goes the speech-of-sorts

RULES:

Winners re-post this completely with their acceptance speech. This could be written or video recorded.

Winners have the privilege of awarding the next awardees! The re-post should include a NEW set of people/blogs worthy of the award; and winners notify them the great news.

RESOURCES:

• What makes a good acceptance speech?
  • Gratitude. Thank the people who helped you along the way
  • Humor. Keep us entertained and smiling
  • Inspiration. Make your story touch our lives
• Get an idea from the great acceptance speeches, compiled in MomentMatters.com/Speech
• Display the award’s badge on your blog/website, downloadable in MomentMatters.com/Award

THE WINNERS OF THE BEST MOMENT AWARD ARE:

1. Sonja
2. Esenga
3. Shruti
4. Renx
5. Letizia

PS- a lot of my blog friends have already been tagged, so no point repeating the tag. Right ?

Don’t forget to celebrate with your followers! Tweet your success with hashtag #MomentMatters. Congratulations, winners!

Time-out

For those of you, who got worried because of my last post- worried might be a strong word, so lets go with perturbed – the news is that I am doing quite alright now. In fact, I might never have felt better. So much so that I am going to celebrate this day, every year- a welcome addition to my list of personal anniversaries. It was a weak moment- almost like when you love someone for ages, even when she wants different things from life, and suddenly while surfing facebook one fine night, you come across her wedding pictures. One is bound to get upset and start doing crazy things. Crazy things like writing a blog post? Come on

Whatever the problem was, it was pretty much on the face. Of the type that does not go away even when you sleep and hope expect it to vanish when you get up. And, it is going to be so for the rest of my natural life.

However, I can change the way I react to this situation ,and I will. This day calls for celebration ( and I did celebrate with my fellow flatmates, check it out here ) because it puts to rest an extended period of suffering. In addition to such momentary quickfixes, I have something else in mind as well

Give me some time.