There are times we feel down. We face hardships, endure bad times and we move on. This happens on its own and there is nothing much one can do about it -other than waiting for the next olive branch maybe.
But there are phases, as I have come to know, which are nothing short of … long nights. There is nothing…absolutely nothing… going the way I expect it to, these days. It all started only a couple of months back, but with every passing day, it only seems to get worse. It is understandable to have some bad event which does not resolve itself for quite sometime, but to find problems in the most trusted frontiers: that has to be the first. If that was not enough, all three of my family members ( parents and my brother ) are having a similar time as well.
It is unprecedented, especially when the astrologer said ” you are going to have a good time from the second half of this year”- not that I trusted him, but this is just off the charts.
Finding motivation is not easy for me. Reason being, it is mostly me who is motivating people around me and can not possibly “look” vulnerable. Tough luck being tough😉
But like all things, am sure this is pass. Till then, I can only hope to endure this… with grace.
As it turns out, my mother met an accident and is being operated as we speak. Am heading home leaving everything in the middle, obviously .
One never is prepared for days like these. One can never be, even though with a clockwork certainty- stuff like this happens.
Holding my breath.
Uss Fizaa Mein Bhi Jalte Rahe Hum kisi K Liye Faraz,
Jahan Chirag Taraste Thay Roshni K liye …
This picture triggered a barrage of thoughts, not for the first time though. The emergence of social networking sites and internet boom has given voice to… lets say, almost everyone who wants to speak. They speak and speak like there is no tomorrow – which is a good thing. But when you contradict them, or worse, speak your contrary point of view in your space all hell breaks lose.
That a apart, there is something else which has been worrying me for quite some time. Most of us play this avoidable role of awareness angels. I mean they will share and tweet and what not, the information which they think others should be aware of. A noble gesture indeed. What troubles me is the fact that it is all they do. Share. They don’t either read the article or hold an informed point of view on the subject they want to play messengers for. And since we are a society aping each other ( going viral, so to speak ), almost everyone just shares and doesn’t read. A book released by longtime critic of our Prime Minister was released on Amazon and within minutes, 21 people had given negative reviews ( unverified, of course )!
Yes, I shared stuff in public interest ( the proverbial ‘janhit mein jaari’ in Hindi ) sometime back and can’t claim to be any better. But I rather accept being idiot and change that rather than deny and let somebody call that tomorrow.😉
… are often the things give up. Or, that is how we talk about it, in retrospect. Personally, I find this rather ironic because if you give it up- for whatever reason-, it was not something you love. In mathematical terms, we call that internal inconsistency- or something like that ( been quite some time out of college ).
That aside, I don’t know if I am ever going to be able to get over…books. It is not at all the kind of relatonship most of us have with God- you find time for Him only when you are in dire straits. I have found myself indulged in a book or two all round the year. Even when am happy as fuck! Of course, reading even when I am drunk takes it a bit too far, but that is how it is. I love reading poetry over a bottle of Vodka ( which, thanks to my fitness regime, is a rare thing of late ).
But I must admit that my reading list is a little old-school, so to speak. There are barely any books from the new millenium, if at all. I hope to read like Srishty, who by the way does great book reviews as well. For me, book review is a near impossibility as there are so many conflicting thoughts- I will write a sentence and will counter it the next.
Anyone who has spent 15 minutes with me, especially in the last year or so, can attest to this: I make it a point to talk about my age, if nothing else. Ironic, because in the same breath I go on to talk about how irrelevant that number is. But I do talk about it anyway.
On a subconscious level, maybe I am traumatized. On turning 30. Traumatized because there is not much to show for in the three decades that have gone by. I have had
the usual an unusual spectrum of jobs to flaunt which I can’t talk about much , parents I have come to respect- after getting comfortable with differences in world view over the years, AND luck. Sheer Bihari luck. More on that later😉
The point is, it doesn’t seem enough. There is a lingering sense of… unease, with the way I have made efforts- as a person and a professional. I am yet to see my breaking point, which is how I have come to measure satisfaction. There have been testing times, of course, but nothing out of the world. I could have endure much-much more than …what I actually did.
I am not sure this is how 30-year-olds feel ( this is the first time I am turning 30 ). Maybe they all go through this- some point of time in life, if not at 30, in which case I should challenge myself more.
If not, I probably am on the right track.
- Firmed up on my resolve not to get married. Ever. Parents are getting used to the idea though.
- Met a girl, again.😉
- Getting really fit.