It has almost been a year since I realised that the forces, or something of sorts ( if my mother is to be believed ), are not on my side. True, something to that effect seems to be working against me. Every single endeavour I have undertaken, has crashed and burned like shit falling from an airplane. Anyone slightly level headed, might start go by the oft-quoted 5 stage model of Grief : 1. Denial and isolation; 2. Anger; 3. Bargaining; 4. Depression; 5. Acceptance. ( courtesy Kübler-Ross model ). But, I should not, not in this life.
I can not.
For the sake of everything I have learnt, read and known, I must not.
There has to be an inflection point, I would like to think so. But even if it gets worse, I believe I can take it.
And of course, I came across these lines in Bhagat Singh’s book a few weeks back:
As far as the first question is concerned, I think I have made it clear that I did not turn atheist because of vanity. Only my readers, not I, can decide whether my arguments carry weight. If I were a believer, I know in the present circumstances my life would have been easier; the burden lighter. My disbelief in God has turned all the circumstances too harsh and this situation can deteriorate further. Being a little mystical can give the circumstances a poetic turn. But I need no opiate to meet my end. I am a realistic man. I want to overpower this tendency in me with the help of Reason. I am not always successful in such attempts. But it is man’s duty to try and make efforts. Success depends on chance and circumstances.
I am not alone.
PS- the model has served me well though. Except, its the other way round and now, am a very very angry person.