Bottom

It has almost been a year since I realised that the forces, or something of sorts ( if my mother is to be believed ), are not on my side. True, something to that effect seems to be working against me. Every single endeavour I have undertaken, has crashed and burned like shit falling from an airplane. Anyone slightly level headed, might start go by the oft-quoted 5 stage model of Grief : 1. Denial and isolation; 2. Anger; 3. Bargaining; 4. Depression; 5. Acceptance. ( courtesy Kübler-Ross model ). But, I should not, not in this life.

I can not.

For the sake of everything I have learnt, read and known, I must not.

There has to be an inflection point, I would like to think so. But even if it gets worse, I believe I can take it.

And of course, I came across these lines in Bhagat Singh’s book a few weeks back:

As far as the first question is concerned, I think I have made it clear that I did not turn atheist because of vanity. Only my readers, not I, can decide whether my arguments carry weight. If I were a believer, I know in the present circumstances my life would have been easier; the burden lighter. My disbelief in God has turned all the circumstances too harsh and this situation can deteriorate further. Being a little mystical can give the circumstances a poetic turn. But I need no opiate to meet my end. I am a realistic man. I want to overpower this tendency in me with the help of Reason. I am not always successful in such attempts. But it is man’s duty to try and make efforts. Success depends on chance and circumstances.

I am not alone.

 

PS- the model has served me well though. Except, its the other way round and now, am a very very angry person.

Oops!

I did it again.

For the n’th time, I deleted my facebook account. Had deactivated it sometime back ( kept going back and forth quite a few times ), and life felt so much better. I actually had time to do things I wanted to- reading, working out, roaming around without a purpose. For showing off, I do have a dedicated instagram account ( which, btw, is also boring me of late. But, it is going to stay for sometime I reckon ).

But yeah. Facebook is over.

Good riddance!

मैं दीपक हूँ

Almost a month back, something which I have been working upon-for almost half a decade- crashed and burned right in front of me. Not that this is something that doesn’t happen to anyone else, but I can’t rob that event of its significance- at least, not just because it happens to everybody. I can’t.

I will not.

But there is a lot that I learnt along the way- or at least, I would like to think so. I also know that you can not foresee how and where all those learnings might come handy in future, but because they are a part of me- I know they will.

I am aware that my story is not limited to a project here, and a project there. Rather, it is going to be about the theme that I have invested myself into. That theme, which has driven me this far, is intact. If I had a choice of turning back time and changing some choices I made 7 years back, I can say this from the bottom of my heart: I won’t do it any differently.

But a man is not made for defeat. A man can be destroyed but not defeated.

Destroyed I am.

Reading helps, in times like these. Because you have precedents in situations like these. People have survived, and lived to tell the tale. Knowing this helps.

But comfort and peace of mind are overrated anyway. It was adventure what I sought right from day one, and adventure is what I got. Can’t even complain 😉

Even in this moment of despair and gloom, I still want to work on that theme that I talked about. What would I do with what I already have, if not for something that is beyond me and my petty life….

मैं दीपक हूँ, मेरा जलना ही तो मेरा मुस्काना है|

आभारी हूँ तुमने आकर
मेरा ताप-भरा तन देखा,
आभारी हूँ तुमने आकर
मेरा आह-घिरा मन देखा,
करुणामय वह शब्द तुम्हारा–
’मुसकाओ’ था कितना प्यारा।
मैं दीपक हूँ, मेरा जलना ही तो मेरा मुस्काना है|

है मुझको मालूम पुतलियों
में दीपों की लौ लहराती,
है मुझको मालूम कि अधरों
के ऊपर जगती है बाती,
उजियाला करदेनेवाली
मुसकानों से भी परिचित हूँ,
पर मैंने तम की बाहों में अपना साथी पहचाना है।
मैं दीपक हूँ, मेरा जलना ही तो मेरा मुस्काना है|

Cheers

…to the new beginnings.

Not that I haven’t done this before ( the whole making-previous-posts-private  thing ), but it seems like a great idea: to live one year at a time.

blog resolution

As someone who has been able to stick with resolutions whole year round, I refuse to give in to the widespread skepticism ( around resolutions in general, and the new year ones in particular ). Hence, the post.

Writing down helps. Keeps you accountable and helps with the course correction if need be.

PS- Zombie-Relationships… I am a fan of zombie movies actually ( World War Z, Train to Busan and so on and so forth )- not so much of the people though. I can’t just be a ‘once in a while‘ or ‘in touch‘ person.

PPS- didn’t know how to define ‘whatever’ Open-mouthed smile